Winding Roads

I have always hated (excuse the harsh word) the first few months of pregnancy when you feel sick, very sick, and yet have to put on a bright face for the whole world so they won't "know."  I get the secrecy.  I get the worry that something will go wrong.  But my brain reasons that if people "knew" they would be so much more understanding of your 7th trip to the bathroom during your visit, and your queasy pale face, or your sudden need to "take a nap" instead of volunteer to clean out the fridge when you are supposed to be helping someone with a dire need (yes- that has happened before!).  They wouldn't wonder why you've suddenly turned into a cop-out that seems to continually be making excuses for oneself.  Having all that said.  This time around (by way of announcement for many of you)- I wanted to tell people JUST BECAUSE.  No! For once I was NOT throwing up.  For once I was NOT having to cop-out of any remotely-smelly activity.  No, for ONCE I was feeling GREAT!  I just wanted to TELL! To have people know.  Why pretend?  I was finally excited!  Secrecy for some things is not a big deal for me.  Birthday gifts are a cinch (for everyone but King- he always seems to want to buy whatever I've just hidden away for him).  But babies?  Oh, can I please tell someone?!  Usually I have one or two I tell on the sly so I can DISCUSS this baby with!  It turns into my sanity and I love it.  With baby 4 we spread the news in quite the different manner.  Some family was told because we could no longer go on the ubber-fun family vacation planned for this fall.  Some family found out because I erroneously posted our new-years goals on the fridge and one family member announced, "What does this goal mean? Exercise all the way throughout this pregnancy?"  Awkward, pregnant (get it) pause.  "What do you think it means?"  And after that- what was the point in not telling the REST of the family.  So I delivered the newly-taken-long-awaited-updated-family-photos to my mom and told her it was too bad they'd be outdated so soon, as in about six and half months.
Fast forward about a week after that last conversation.  My breezy, easy, pregnancy took a turn down a different road.  It got a bit bumpy.  I got a bit scared.  Why did I tell people already?!  Oh yeah, because I stink at NOT telling people. SURELY nothing could go wrong because I strongly felt like this baby was supposed to come sooner than we had originally "planned" and I'd struggled with the decision for MONTHS.  When I'd finally had some peace about it- baby came!  So SURELY- things would be fine.  After a frantic call to the dr. and an unexpected visit.  The baby WAS fine.  There was that lovely, strong heartbeat.  Strong.  There were still problems though.  No, I wasn't on "bedrest."  But there were plenty of no's.  NO stairs.  NO carrying or lifting things more than 20 lbs.  Ahem.  Remember?  My 14 month old is ATLEAST 25 lbs! NO.  NO over-doing things. Take it easy.  Lets do some blood work.  If things go well, my body may heal.  Rest is not a guarantee of that- just makes it more likely.  If my body does NOT heal, this had potential to be a very. long. pregnancy.
If you asked King or my parents what that meant: I was banished to the couch.  That doesn't sound so bad for someone who LOVES to read and doesn't get much of a chance these days.
But what about my kids?! My baby (Millaker)?   How was I supposed to lift her in and out of her crib for naps?  How was I supposed to get her in her high-chair (King's idea is to put it on the floor... there will be a lot more sweeping going on)?  How am I supposed to put her in her carseat?  How do I pick her up and hold her when she is sad?  How on earth do I get he OFF the table (or insert other furnature here) when she climbs up CONSTANTLY.  For crying out loud- on top of the temple is her FAVORITE place to be!  Hmm..... How, how, how?
The older ones can manage fine.  I usually don't pick them up anyhow and they can climb up beside me.  They can be coerced from my perch on the couch with relatively few mishaps.
The initial solution was for the kids and I to take a mini vacation down to my parents.  There I would have extra family around to help the baby and other kids if needed and I could take it easy.  King made me promise to DO NOTHING.  (Reminding him I wasn't REALLY on bedrest didn't help.) 
Things seemed to be going well.  It was a bit awkward to order family around like servants when I FELT fine.  I did not hurt and there were no outward manifestations that anything was wrong.  That changed quickly.  The day after the dr. visit I got a call.  The dr. said my progesterone levels were low- not dangerously so- just low.  He wanted to start me on a twice-a-day-suppliment.  Ok.  No problem.  Good idea.  I'm game for anything that keeps this baby safe.

Let me define progesterone for you: nasty pregnancy side-effects in a bottle.

Side effects: DROWSY as all get out.  Slightly loopy.  Slightly dizzy if you get up too fast.  Need to SLEEP.  A bit queasy.  Stomach aches sometimes.  What a delight to take.  I VERY quickly learned to take the first pill first thing in the morning so the side-effects would wear off as quickly as possible.  The second was taken right before bed so I could sleep through all the discomfort.
My dad unexpectedly was offered a new/better position at work and began working full time.  This started my hunt for round the clock babysitters.  I'm not sure if they were for me or Millaker, but I needed someone there if Millie was awake!  That led to an unexpected, somewhat akward call to an old friend I hadn't seen in YEARS.  "Hi!  You live close!  We wanted to get together sometime right? (We really did!) Could that happen this week? In the morning? And could you help me with my baby?"  There are few times I've felt more foolish.
And so my road continued.
The second week I moved my perch to my own house.  Again, I arranged for round-the-clock help in hopes that two weeks of being REALLY GOOD would mean six more months of normal activity.  Thankfully the side-effects of the progesterone lessened as time went on.  I'm not sure if its because my levels were raising and there was a smaller gap between my current levels and the levels a pill put me on, or if I was just lucky.  Either way- I was greatful!  There was that one day I forgot to take my medicine the night before... and my friend had to REALLY watch the kids while I slept off the side-effects for hours the next morning!
With just a few days left to go before I get checked again, I have hope.
King was able to give me a Priesthood blessing a few days ago.  It didn't offer the specific blessings I was hoping for: that everything would turn out perfectly and we'd live happily ever after.  But it brought peace.  Promised strength.  Promised my feelings would be what they needed to be at appropriate times so I'd know what to do.  I haven't yet figured out the implications of that- but I feel calm, hopeful, and feel that all will be well.  Hopefully there is a better prognosis in a few days.  Hopefully I am healing.  Hopefully this couch-trip will end shortly.  But mostly, hopefully the baby is well.  As a great friend put it, "How does your gut feel?"  Again.  I feel at peace.  Part of me clings to the "this is meant to be. This baby is meant to come."  While another part of me recognizes that that might not be the real plan.  That a much harder lesson might be in store for me.  But I feel at peace.  Things for now are going well, even if I'm not getting as much reading done as I'd like, or my stuffed elephant project looks like a six year old sewed it, and even if I feel foolish asking for help when I FEEL capable.  I am grateful for the family and friends who have so generously offered their time and help.
I'll keep you posted on this winding road.

UPDATE:
We went to the dr. this morning and there is a healthy, wriggling, moving baby with a good heartbeat inside!   Let normal life resume!!  I can pick up Millaker, climb the stairs, vacuum my house (because its in DIRE need), etc etc.  I just need to not jump back in too fast.  Ease in.  Be a tad cautious.
You got it doc!
Next visit? Gender!