Let me explain.
Our stake (um... group of church congregations in an area) hosts an "institute" or religion class every Tuesday. I. Love. It. LOVE IT. It is fantastic. The teacher is amazing. (REALLY! GENIOUS-knock-your-socks-off-learn-so-much-you-want-to-do-better kind of amazing!) There is a co-op nursery (if you have kids you rotate helping) with a FANTASTIC-former-teacher running it. What more can I say. Love it. I go to my "special class" and Brother loves to go to "his special class." We're all happy.
Today was my day to help in the nursery. It went great! Brother chowed down on the massive amounts of goldfish, mini marshmellows and teddy grams provided, along with a sucker or two, he played well with other kids, shared with Sister, glued cotton balls on a paper sheep etc. etc. etc.
It was great. It went SO well.
Until the last five minutes.
Here I am, holding sister on a hip, helping small children collect their suckers, stickers of Jesus, and cotton-ball-sheep, and all of a sudden, I can't see Brother. No worries, there's 25 kids in here, just look around.
So I look.
I call.
Nothing.
He's not there.
See what I mean? Near death experience.
Ok, don't panic- he just slipped out the door when others were going in and out.
I walk out the door.
He's not there.
By the drinking fountain? He LOVES that thing.
No.
Back in the nursery. Calling now. Brother! Where are you? Still nothing.
Back out in the hall. Up and down the hall- checking the classrooms.
Running outside. Getting close to a panic now.
Back to the nursery.
ALL THE WAY AROUND THE INSIDE OF THE CHURCH! Yes, I'm running now (still have Sister on my hip who is LOVING the ride and giggling...). By now HORRENDOUS thoughts are starting to cross my mind.
I've lost him.
My little boy.
I was helping someone else and now he's gone. How do I find him? WHERE could he have gone? There were at LEAST a hundred people at scripture class. Did he go with one of them?
Back to the nursery, back outside, making another round of the church when FINALLY someone calls out that they've found him.
And I instantly have blurry vision.
For a non-crier this is big. The lump in my throat is unimaginably big. The second I see him I am crying. On my knees asking where he was and why on EARTH he wasn't answering me.
It turns out he was hiding (and YES, that little, adorable, lovable, stinker heard me). I guess he thought it was a game. He and another little boy (who's big brother was also starting to have a panic attack) had hidden somewhere (no, I still don't know exactly where) and it took several of the grownups a few minutes to find them.
So I composed myself, loaded the children in the car and drove home- all the while trying to impersonate a calm, rational, nice parent who just politely lectures their two year old on answering mommy. I mostly succeeded. Once the kiddos were fed I sent them straight to bed, only to collapse on my own and then promptly burst into more tears. A few minutes later I was able to compose myself enough to call King and tell him our latest scare, I mean adventure.
And I learned a few things. About myself.... and Brother.
1) Toddlers cannot always distinguish game vs not game. I may banish hide and seek from our house temporarily.... not really, but I'd like to.
2) Imaginations can be destructive. Mine tends to jump into overdrive a bit too quickly. This "game" realistically lasted less than 7 minutes... My brain was telling me he'd been gone FOREVER.
3) That panic, that terror, of losing a child must be in some way what our Father in Heaven feels when we take off on our own (literally or figuratively). We choose our own path, find something we think sounds like a fun game- and we don't respond to His calls nor do we come to Him despite all his efforts to rescue and "find" us. I wonder if he feels helpless? Being omnipotent- is that even a possible Godlike feeling? It's a parent-like feeling.
4) Although I thought those "leash" things for kids were a bit inhumane, I've since changed my tune now that I'm a mother...
So tonight I am feeling rather grateful. I am so VERY grateful my two babies are home, safe, tucked in their beds and sleeping. I am so grateful that despite my wild imagination, worst fears are seldom realized and our Heavenly Father is looking out for us (and my children). And the more I've thought about it today- the more I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It gives me assurance that even if one day, my day is a living nightmare instead of a seven minute episode, that days can get better. That families are forever. That despite all the horrible and bad things that CAN happen, their is healing, hope, and possibility for change. That may not sound like a connected thought to you, but I assure you it is.
Anyway.
Good night everyone. Go hug your toddlers again... and don't teach them to play hide and seek.
(The innocent face.... remember he'd just blown out SISTER'S candles twice.... But we still love him.)
