I've spent a
LOT of time lately thinking about being a mom.
Lots and lots of time. I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts into a workable order so I'll just type aloud what I'm thinking. I hope you can keep up.
I chose two of the worlds least-appreciated jobs. Teaching and Motherhood. Not too long ago, King came home and told me his good friend had recently landed a job. Good pay, good benefits, and so far (two months in) not much work to do. He spent a good portion of his day looking at blogs. I was green with envy. I WANT TO GET PAID TO SIT AROUND AND READ BLOGS LIKE *JO-BOB! (*Not really his name.) I could be a millionaire! Instead, I spend all day, every day running around, trying to balance my endless to-do list and can't usually see the results of my efforts at the end of the day. Not to mention they forgot the pay and benefits package.
So that got me thinking. Do I like my jobs? Luckily for my children the answer is yes.
I remember days when I was in college, when I was teaching even, when people would ask what I was majoring in or what I did. When I said, "teaching" I'd get "the look." All teachers know it. It gets even worse when you tell them you teach elementary. My IQ had just dropped 80 points in their eyes. One person asked if I got to color a lot in my El Ed classes. Unkind thoughts raced though my mind.
Back to the original story. These days my current job isn't listed as needing the highest IQ either. I am not highly sought after, and probably not considered highly qualified in anything. And yet, I chose motherhood. Granted, I didn't know what I was getting myself into initially. I'd had this misconception that motherhood would be a breeze after teaching. Hmmm. Wrong again. On that note- you need a bit of background information.
I am not a natural teacher. Initially I didn't like teaching. Hated it might be more accurate. (Do I dare post that online?) Ask King. I came home crying nearly every day for the first month or so. I would even cry when he dropped me off- asking him to take the day off and come to work with me instead. If you know me, I'm not a crier. Luckily, that phase past. Teaching grew on me. And grew. And I got more confidence. And I work hard. And life kept getting faster and busier. But I could do it! Eventually, I liked it (most days).
Then I was prego with kid #1. I stopped teaching two months before he was due, thrilled to start my new life as a mother. And my life froze. I was moving nowhere. I didn't know what to do with all the time on my hands. It was killing me. If I could go back in time I'd tell myself to work on all the projects I've now thought of... too late.
Then I actually HAD said baby and ... it didn't get much faster. Sure, I was in demand. Always. But it was a different kind of busy. Not a "work, work, brainstorm, work, problem solve and TA-DA, here's a finished product" kind of work. A "feed, change, rock, hold, sit, change, feed the baby" kind of work. And I had a hard time. I wasn't a natural mother. I couldn't see an end result, and it was KILLING me. (An overused phrase, I know.)
By now you are wondering if there is a point to this drawn-out story. Yes, yes there is.
School started again just over a week ago. And I missed it. I spent some time thinking of how much I really did love teaching. I miss the school supplies, the perfectly organized classroom, the excited smiles on a crowd of faces. I miss "Bill" (*name changed) who folded his homework as many times as he could before he turned it in each day. I miss coming up with creative ways to teach a subject. I miss planning with my favorite teaching buddy Mrs. Reed (who was kind enough to visit from NY this last month... ok, not just for me). I think back on funny moments- little slow moments, and at times want it back.
The point?
I was not a natural teacher- just like I am not a natural mother. But I grew into teaching. I got better and better. I learned A LOT. Life as a teacher got busier and busier, but I grew into my job. It became who I was. I could handle it. I could be GOOD at it (most days). And now I miss it. Now I can only look back on it because for now, that season is past. Now I learn from it. Now I can see that I can grow into being a mother. I still cry some days. And life is constantly getting busier and busier, but I am learning to handle it. I am learning to be creative. I am learning to do more than cope- but to ENJOY it. In my mind I am remaking my image into a "mother." I am not in a highly competitive field rolling in the dough and monetary benefits like Jo-Bob, but I am ok.
So now the clincher. Can I slow down and enjoy the little moments NOW? Because motherhood is also a season. And while I may miss those moments later- I won't HAVE them to miss if I don't enjoy it NOW. My little boy will not always be two and want to play cars over and over and over and over. He will not always mis-recite the "3 little pigs" at dinner time - never wanting the house to stand up the last time. He will not always blow hugs (yes hugs) to his little sister. He won't always want to put his shoes on himself, then yell at the shoes for being un-cooperative. Sister won't always swipe at the nearest face to hers. She won't always giggle when you rub her back. She won't always take a year to crawl across the room to you. They'll grow. And I'll miss them. And I'll regret it if I didn't take time to enjoy the SLOW moments now- the moments that make us wonder if we've reverted to snails. Because if I miss it now- I'll never have the memories later.
So here's to hard jobs. Under appreciated jobs you might say. To help me out I've printed out a quote Sister Beck said last General Conference. She was quoting Eliza R. Snow saying,
"Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time.
I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters?
We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities."
I've hung it in my kitchen. I look at it every. single. day. I can quote the first half and often do to myself. Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated, but if we do not get all the appreciation which is our due, what matters? I ought to step up to the plate and be a better mom. I chose this. THIS is my career. Who cares if no one thinks my skills are worth paying for? What does it matter if some days are slow and seemingly mundane or ordinary?
I am a mother and I love it.
Thanks Kristin! You're amazing.
