Self confessions and a whole bunch of thoughts on improvement.

Watch out.  I'm feeling long-winded.

A few months ago I hit a giant, terrific rut.  Not just in blogging (though my obvious lack of posts and recording would be a great indicator of that!), but in life.  I felt like I hadn't just dropped one or two balls I was trying to keep in the air.  I had dropped them all.
It's wasn't life's fault.  Truly. 
Certainly, I was trying to be careful with this pregnancy so as not to lose the baby.  Sure, King had is yearly "busy season."   But I really, really dropped everything.  Exercise? Out the window.  Visiting Teaching (visiting a friend with a friend)? What's that?  Callings? At a bare minimum.  Talking to and caring about friends? I have friends?  See my point.  I wasn't at a good place.  Normally this is me post-baby.  But here I was 3-5 months pregnant (it felt like the rut lasted that long!) being all gloom and doom.  I could put on a happy face for most people, but my poor husband and kids were getting my worst side.
And yet I had so many good things in my life!  I just didn't see them!
For instance: I've got a five year old that spends nearly as much time moving, jumping, leaping, questioning, wondering, drawing, head-standing, cartwheeling, and bruising his poor shins as five other human beings. 
I've got a three year old with a DRIVE to be a helper.  She is always trying to help someone do a chore, or get something for Millaker, or help her babies, or get something for me, or force unwanted mothering on Millaker, or talk about the baby to come, all while on a very, very gut-lurching emotional rollercoaster. 
I've got a one and a half year old that has turned into the eighth world wonder and is a force to be reckoned with.  When she likes the food in front of her she can out-eat the average adult.  When she doesn't she is akin to the tornado that just passed through Oklahoma.  She has a personality full of spitfire and ONE DAY will learn to say yes instead of "NO!" to every offer of help.  She loves to pick a person for the day and that person, and that person ALONE can help her.  Don't even bother offering if it's not your day, minute, hour.  The people who sit on the pew behind us at church can attest to her very-healthy lungs if you don't comply.
So what was my problem?
I'm not sure.
But there's was/is light at the end of the tunnel.
We're moving forward.
We're doing.  We're changing. We're making goals. We're planning budgets, looking forward, raising expectations, setting better routines, filling down-time with positive things, tweaking eating habits, trying to give up so many of those gosh-darn-great chocolate chips that taunt me from the freezer.  We're making strides.  Baby strides.  But movement and improvement feel good.
Here's some things I have been thinking about, setting goals about, and learning about.  In no particular order.
1) I have a temper.  The world knows this.  I know this.  And unfortunately, my kids know this.  This is GOING to change.  It doesn't not matter who I inherited it from, who I learned it from, or what life instances bring this out- it doesn't change that I have a bad habit of losing my cool. 
I'm going to kick this bad habit. 
I've been reading lots and lots of things.  Some have been read over and over. One of my current favorite reads has turned into my personal challenge.  It's called the Orange Rhino challenge. In a nutshell: I can be upset about things, kids, whining, lack of follow-through, arguing, things out of my control, and messes can still frustrate me, but I CAN NOT RAISE MY VOICE!  At least not at my children.  They are my best, my most important audience and they deserve my best.  Not my left-overs.  This is going to be a form of my accountability.  Those I am foremost accountable (my children) already know about mom's goal and know they are allowed to nicely say to me, "Orange Rhino!" when I look like I am building up steam.  King can say whatever he wants as long as he reminds me I have a goal and it is bigger than myself. 
2)  People are more important than things. 
Duh.
But some of us are slower learners.  This is directly tied to my first point.  In the words of someone much more eloquent than I, "People are always the priority. I get bogged down in different things going on in my life, but at the end of the day, how i treat others is the most important."  Well said.
On that note- people, and friends, are one of my greatest blessings.  I need to stop forgetting that.
3) Work, hard work, productivity, and a sense of accomplishment mean a lot.  To me at least.  It genuinely makes me a happier person.  I am learning this more and more- every single day- and it becomes more obvious to me the older I get.  I don't think this is just a coincidence- or just me though.  I think this is an eternal principle.  I think God designed us this way- so we would work to improve ourselves and eventually become like Him.  It takes the shape of so many things: improvement in our homes, our talents, or desires, how we fill our time etc.
Take for example this morning.  Some days I feel like I've conquered the world by 10 am.  Today was one of those days.  We'd eaten a healthy breakfast, cleaned up, swept, started bread, made yogurt, gotten kids dressed and ready, gotten ME dressed and ready, said prayers, put the "baby" down for a nap, read the news, looked at the weather, checked what had to get done today, spray-painted yet ANOTHER coat of "frost" on the front window than an anonymous three year old destroyed, and had the oldest practice the piano.  Whala!  Mind you- that is not the norm.  Some days all I've done by 10 am is fed children and sent King rushing out the door.  But days where I WORK.  WORK HARD.  WORK on important, meaningful things, and work on my goals- make me feel WONDERFUL.  Tackling these new projects (cloth diapers, baking bread, making yogurt, home repairs, attitude improvement, better quality time with kids) seems like a mouthful, armful, and all-around too much when I SAY them.  But DOING them is proving to be far more possible than I would have ever imagined.   And they are proving therapeutic. 
4) Lots of time-fillers are a waste of time.
I love my computer.  And if I'm not careful I spend WAY too much time on it.  Sure, some things are productive: the budget, recording memories, working for Power of Moms.  And some things are not.  The more time I eliminate from in front of a screen (ANY screen) and spend reading, teaching, playing with my children comes back to me with HUGE dividends.  Books, too, are nice- but not at the expense of time with my kids.  I've made myself a chart/checklist full of things that HAVE to get done every day and things I need to do WITH my kids every day.  The list looks long (but I love lists).  But it is helping!  My list includes things I'd probably do anyway (get dressed, tidy main areas, water plants, read scriptures) and a few I'd rather not do (ahem: exercise).  My list to do with my kids makes me focus on ALL their needs: book time, jobs, play time, quiet time, one-on-one time, goal time, practicing etc. It's been a GREAT refocus-er for me and I love it.  There are so many "best" things to be filling my time with- not just "good things."  Exercise (though my measly one-mile-jog three times a week may or may not count), visiting with friends, time with my kids, focusing on goals, taking bites out of big projects, making good meals, helping others... THESE are good time fillers that leave me feeling fulfilled instead of leaving me feeling like I've wasted my time.
5) Music is great.  Great, great, great.  It has been a huge mood-setter for me and my kids in the morning.  I've complied a few cd's.  One lovingly called the morning cd with upbeat, great music to start us off on the right foot for the day.  We play this while we work on morning dishes together.  The other called my "Mom" music.  It's a little "pick-me-up" for when I'm starting to lose momentum or think challenges are overwhelming.
So that, my friends, is me.  I know and anticipate there will be other ruts in my life.  I am expecting some sort of a slump come mid-August when the baby arrives.  But having learned more about myself from my previous three babies, and having the knowledge that a slump is probably on its way- I feel better prepared.  I've got a separate list (really) to help me prep myself and my family for this- including things to get the oldest ready for Kindergarten and Chinese Immersion (more on that later), and for transitions to having another baby.  I feel like this learning period, as rough as it has felt, has helped me feel better prepared for future ruts by giving me insights into myself.  What makes me feel better, what helps my family, and what is most important. 
Wish me luck.  I'm on to tackle bigger and better things.
Happy un-rutting to any of you who may or may-not have felt the same way.