Here and Now

Whenever someone asks, "How are you?" after greeting us and looking at a gaggle of homeless-looking kids and a newborn (4 months!!!), I wonder how to answer.  If my mom is there and I answer, "We're good," or "Getting better every day!" she looks at me with a knowing look that only moms possess.  It seems to shoot multiple meanings my way.  "I know you.  Are you really?  If they only knew.  Do you not remember a few days ago?" 
Memories.  They are interesting things.  Sometimes we cannot let go of an event or a feeling.  They linger for decades and hover in the corner of our minds.  Other times, we quickly misjudge a past situation thinking it was better or worse than it was.  Parenthood is that way.  I believe by design.  I'm desperately praying that my children's memories are vague from this time period.  I'm not sure I would have had five children had I remembered every in-and-out detail of pregnancy, childbirth, and the hard months following the baby's arrival.  After every child is born I think, "Oh, pregnancy wasn't so hard.  I could have even made it a few more weeks if I'd had to."  And yet every time I'm pregnant I think just the opposite.  King thinks its laughable the way I cling to a due date and cry when the baby hasn't made an appearance weeks early!  It's true.  Every time.  After EVERY baby I think I'm doing ok.  I have moments when I KNOW I'm not doing ok, but I justify the lack of sleep for my anxious, uptight mood.  Months later, when hindsight is 20/20 I know I WASN'T ok.  Why?!  Why do I forget?!  King gave me a knowing look yesterday and reminded me to relax- to give some leeway to a seemingly obnoxious child because I was rather grumpy and uptight.  Clearly, my perspective on the child's behavior and his actual behavior were not lining up.  In the moment, I think I'm being fair, rational, and fine, but taking a step back I can see how I'm perceived (accurately) as up tight, stern, and fairly rash in my judgements of behavior.
The point? 
I need to focus.  Prioritize.  Decide what is most important in the MOMENT.  I need to look at the here and now, yes, but I need to focus on the real goal.   More than likely, the goal won't be a clean house, or an organized toy room, garage, dresser, shed, closet, ... everything!  Though all those things need help!  I love the quote (author unknown to me) that says, "Never let a problem to be solved be more important than a person to be loved." If only I could lock that quote into my memory, and have it be the portion that does NOT fade or rationalize how things really were.  I hope my little family can look back and remember the good things about here and now, not just the crankiness, craziness, and chaos that exist.  Life is good. Life is hard. Life is long.  Life is short.  All at the same time.  I had a funny epiphany the other day.  I tend to think of trials as being some HUGE event: cancer, bankruptcy, death etc.  I think of being cheerful and optimistic through those trials.  And yet, our little family hasn't experienced ANY of those.  Somehow I thought of our struggles not as "trials" to be endured well, but as difficult circumstances that I could grumble and complain about.  Broken sprinklers, flooded basements, health issues, more health issues, crazy schedules, heavy work loads, little sleep.  Those are trials, too.  Not major, but still trials.  And THEY can be endured well too!  It's good to keep in perspective that they AREN'T major, and that we have a LOT to be grateful for!  But its ok to see them as personal trials and to focus on a good perspective, a good and grateful attitude, and a kind word to my children despite the frustrations and occasional obnoxiousness that is just a natural part of being a growing body!
BREATH. LIFE IS GOOD.
Will someone please come tatoo this on my forearm?